There are days when I really hate feeling like I'm constantly living in the shadows of my past. C-PTSD informs so much of how I think, feel and react that it makes it very difficult for me to stay in the present moment and deal just with the situation in front of me. Instead, if I get upset I will often find myself triggered and locked in to emotional, somatic and sometimes full sensory flashbacks. I will feel the emotions that I was dealing with in the past when I was faced with whatever situation I'm being reminded of, and will react as I would have at that point in time and in that place rather than actually reacting to what is in front of me.
Right now, I'm having a hard time gauging how I really feel about a situation in a group that I am a member of that has resulted in a lot of hurt feelings and emotions running high. I'm finding myself unable to tell if I'm really reacting logically and rationally to the situation or whether I'm falling to some sort of mass hysteria born out of how similiar situations when I was in the cult would have played out. Then, had I honestly expressed how I was really feeling to the leadership I had to make absolutely sure that what I was going to say was going to be what they wanted me to say, or else I would receive a severe beating at best. In the here and now, I know that the worst that I would probably face would be words, probably not even aimed to hurt, written out of the feelings and circumstances that the others in the situation find themselves in.
In this particular scenario I've even found myself without the mirror of my brother to look in to, as he is upset and hurt over some of what has happened as well. So, in this case I find myself turning to journaling, self reflection and looking to the Kindreds for guidance. Invariable the combination of the three will eventually help me find my way clear of the turmoil I find myself in, but it still leaves me a bit dazed and really wishing that I could get upset about things without finding myself re-living a painful past.
I'll close with this prayer, which I have offered up this night in my search for clarity;
Who I have known longest,
Who I worshiped before I knew your name,
Once again I ask that you join your magic with mine.
Spread your wings and lift me up,
Far above the shadows of the past,
Far above the battlefield.
Lift me up that I might see with clarity,
grounded in the present as I see the field stretch before me.
Help me to see all sides,
knowing when to attack, when to retreat,
and when to embrace those standing before me.
Morrigan, first Matron of my heart and home,
Please be with me and accept my offering.