And a snapshot on the upside:
I feel great.
I did my first day of training yesterday, and do my second today. Real, actual work with a paycheck. I know I shouldn't let old messages tie up so much of my self-worth in that, but I do. And working again helps a lot.
Mostly because it helps elsewhere. I probably had my most productive day in 2 months yesterday, at least it terms of knocking stuff off my to-do list, and I'll probably match it today. I downloaded a killer app for my cell phone that keeps things like calendar notices and incoming e-mails on the front page, re-did my notebook, and started re-packing my work bag, putting the tools I need to keep going right at my fingertips once again.
And I'm sitting here freshly showered, blogging.
It's not a silver bullet, but it's a start.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
A Snapshot
A snapshot of 3 things that are on my mind:
1. Before yesterday's shower, I went 8 days without even changing clothes.
2. I'm probably going to eventually kill myself.
3. Since I'm not going to do #2 tonight, I should finish my room.
I hate being sick.
1. Before yesterday's shower, I went 8 days without even changing clothes.
2. I'm probably going to eventually kill myself.
3. Since I'm not going to do #2 tonight, I should finish my room.
I hate being sick.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Living in a shadow
There are days when I really hate feeling like I'm constantly living in the shadows of my past. C-PTSD informs so much of how I think, feel and react that it makes it very difficult for me to stay in the present moment and deal just with the situation in front of me. Instead, if I get upset I will often find myself triggered and locked in to emotional, somatic and sometimes full sensory flashbacks. I will feel the emotions that I was dealing with in the past when I was faced with whatever situation I'm being reminded of, and will react as I would have at that point in time and in that place rather than actually reacting to what is in front of me.
Right now, I'm having a hard time gauging how I really feel about a situation in a group that I am a member of that has resulted in a lot of hurt feelings and emotions running high. I'm finding myself unable to tell if I'm really reacting logically and rationally to the situation or whether I'm falling to some sort of mass hysteria born out of how similiar situations when I was in the cult would have played out. Then, had I honestly expressed how I was really feeling to the leadership I had to make absolutely sure that what I was going to say was going to be what they wanted me to say, or else I would receive a severe beating at best. In the here and now, I know that the worst that I would probably face would be words, probably not even aimed to hurt, written out of the feelings and circumstances that the others in the situation find themselves in.
In this particular scenario I've even found myself without the mirror of my brother to look in to, as he is upset and hurt over some of what has happened as well. So, in this case I find myself turning to journaling, self reflection and looking to the Kindreds for guidance. Invariable the combination of the three will eventually help me find my way clear of the turmoil I find myself in, but it still leaves me a bit dazed and really wishing that I could get upset about things without finding myself re-living a painful past.
I'll close with this prayer, which I have offered up this night in my search for clarity;
Raven Queen,
Who I have known longest,
Who I worshiped before I knew your name,
Once again I ask that you join your magic with mine.
Spread your wings and lift me up,
Far above the shadows of the past,
Far above the battlefield.
Lift me up that I might see with clarity,
grounded in the present as I see the field stretch before me.
Help me to see all sides,
knowing when to attack, when to retreat,
and when to embrace those standing before me.
Morrigan, first Matron of my heart and home,
Please be with me and accept my offering.
Right now, I'm having a hard time gauging how I really feel about a situation in a group that I am a member of that has resulted in a lot of hurt feelings and emotions running high. I'm finding myself unable to tell if I'm really reacting logically and rationally to the situation or whether I'm falling to some sort of mass hysteria born out of how similiar situations when I was in the cult would have played out. Then, had I honestly expressed how I was really feeling to the leadership I had to make absolutely sure that what I was going to say was going to be what they wanted me to say, or else I would receive a severe beating at best. In the here and now, I know that the worst that I would probably face would be words, probably not even aimed to hurt, written out of the feelings and circumstances that the others in the situation find themselves in.
In this particular scenario I've even found myself without the mirror of my brother to look in to, as he is upset and hurt over some of what has happened as well. So, in this case I find myself turning to journaling, self reflection and looking to the Kindreds for guidance. Invariable the combination of the three will eventually help me find my way clear of the turmoil I find myself in, but it still leaves me a bit dazed and really wishing that I could get upset about things without finding myself re-living a painful past.
I'll close with this prayer, which I have offered up this night in my search for clarity;
Raven Queen,
Who I have known longest,
Who I worshiped before I knew your name,
Once again I ask that you join your magic with mine.
Spread your wings and lift me up,
Far above the shadows of the past,
Far above the battlefield.
Lift me up that I might see with clarity,
grounded in the present as I see the field stretch before me.
Help me to see all sides,
knowing when to attack, when to retreat,
and when to embrace those standing before me.
Morrigan, first Matron of my heart and home,
Please be with me and accept my offering.
Friday, March 4, 2011
The Maelstrom Claims 3 More Victims
It shouldn't be any surprise to anyone that I've been watching the whole James Arthur Ray saga fervently.
I hope they hang the bastard. Enough said.
But I did want to take a moment and reference the slide halfway down the second page at this page:
"Spiritual Warrior was the final seminar in a sequential series of ever more expensive events"
I've said it before, and I'll say it every chance I can: don't ever, ever play that game.
I hope they hang the bastard. Enough said.
But I did want to take a moment and reference the slide halfway down the second page at this page:
"Spiritual Warrior was the final seminar in a sequential series of ever more expensive events"
I've said it before, and I'll say it every chance I can: don't ever, ever play that game.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
A Small Technopagan Working
Yesterday, I had a couple of different things come together at once that inspired me to take a stab at a bit of technomancy. I was playing with GIMP, trying to polish my photo retouching skills, and found myself playing with the "heal" tool to try to remove a scratch in the wall behind the subject in the picture I was working on. A bit later, I was tending to a rather nasty cut on my arm that has gotten infected and while doing so was contemplating doing a magical working to hopefully speed along the healing. I wasn't up to even trying to do an ADF style Core Order of Ritual rite and didn't really feel like working in any of the other paradigms that I tend to turn to for healing work.
Then, it was like lightening struck. Heal tool in GIMP. Wanting to heal a cut on my arm. So, in that moment of inspiration, I knew exactly what I was going to do.
I grabbed the tools that I would need for my working; my digital camera, my SD card, my laptop and a running instance of GIMP. I flashed a quick picture of my forearm, then realized the lighting in the living room was terrible. So, I took a few more shots playing around with lighting until I finally got a shot I was satisfied with. I popped to SD card in my card reader and opened up the picture in GIMP.
Concentrating my will on healing the cut on my arm with minimal scarring, I started to very carefully retouch the photograph, largely using the heal tool. As I concentrated on retouching the image, I also poured my intent in to every click, every motion. As I fell into the working, I became less and less aware of my shirt sleeves rubbing up against the cut. Finally, when there was not even a trace of the cut on the photo I was retouching, I released the energy that I had been building, grounded myself and closed up the rite.
Jury is still out on how successful the "spell" ends up being, but it was definitely looking better when I got home from work last night. It's fun working in a different paradigm than I'm used to. I might have to make more use of this one in the future, given how much I like playing around with GIMP and how much energy I pour in to anything I'm working on creatively.
Then, it was like lightening struck. Heal tool in GIMP. Wanting to heal a cut on my arm. So, in that moment of inspiration, I knew exactly what I was going to do.
I grabbed the tools that I would need for my working; my digital camera, my SD card, my laptop and a running instance of GIMP. I flashed a quick picture of my forearm, then realized the lighting in the living room was terrible. So, I took a few more shots playing around with lighting until I finally got a shot I was satisfied with. I popped to SD card in my card reader and opened up the picture in GIMP.
Concentrating my will on healing the cut on my arm with minimal scarring, I started to very carefully retouch the photograph, largely using the heal tool. As I concentrated on retouching the image, I also poured my intent in to every click, every motion. As I fell into the working, I became less and less aware of my shirt sleeves rubbing up against the cut. Finally, when there was not even a trace of the cut on the photo I was retouching, I released the energy that I had been building, grounded myself and closed up the rite.
Jury is still out on how successful the "spell" ends up being, but it was definitely looking better when I got home from work last night. It's fun working in a different paradigm than I'm used to. I might have to make more use of this one in the future, given how much I like playing around with GIMP and how much energy I pour in to anything I'm working on creatively.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Cult Danger, an overview.
One of, and perhaps the most definitive evaluation methods for the danger of any group is the Advanced Bonewits' Cult Danger Evaluation Frame (which I will refer to as ABCDEF from here on).
The ABCDEF asks you to rate groups on a scale from 1 to 10 on 18 distinct factors. A very high score indicates a group that poses a high risk of danger. A very low score is problematic as well, but groups that score low tends to be very scattered and disorganized rather than posing serious risks to the physical and mental health and wellbeing of the membership.
Let's take a look at the factors being evaluated. Italics are my commentary.
1. Internal Control: Amount of internal political and social power exercised by leader(s) over members; lack of clearly defined organizational rights for members.
Internal control is pretty self explainatory. How much control over members do the leader(s) exert over members? Are there clear member's rights? A low score here would indicate a group that does not try to control their members and clearly defines the members rights. A high score would indicate a group that tries to control many aspects of the lives of members and that does not make any attempt to define member's rights.
2. External Control: Amount of external political and social influence desired or obtained; emphasis on directing members’ external political and social behavior.
See above. Pretty much everything that applies there applies here.
3. Wisdom/Knowledge Claimed by leader(s): amount of infallibility declared or implied about decisions or doctrinal/scriptural interpretations; number and degree of unverified and/or unverifiable credentials claimed.
Does the leader of the group have verifiable credentials and admit to their own fallibility? Low score. Does the leader claim credentials they have absolutely no proof for and claim to be speaking the infallible words of the gods? That's a 10.
4. Wisdom/Knowledge Credited to leader(s) by members: amount of trust in decisions or doctrinal/scriptural interpretations made by leader(s); amount of hostility by members towards internal or external critics and/or towards verification efforts.
Is the membership open to hearing criticism of the teachings of the leader? Does the membership trust the leader but at the same time remember at all times that the leader is ultimately human and fallible? Low score. Do members of the group become extremely hostile towards members or outsiders that question the teachings of the leader? Do members trust the leader absolutely? That's a 10.
5. Dogma: Rigidity of reality concepts taught; amount of doctrinal inflexibility or “fundamentalism;” hostility towards relativism and situationalism.
Have flexible doctrine and cosmology and open to the views of others? That's a 1. Rigid, inflexible doctrine and cosmology and a belief that reality is only what the leader says it is with no regards to the views of others? 10.
6. Recruiting: Emphasis put on attracting new members; amount of proselytizing; requirement for all members to bring in new ones.
7. Front Groups: Number of subsidiary groups using different names from that of main group, especially when connections are hidden.
This is a complicated one. As a general rule, almost all groups do not have front groups. Generally if there are any groups outside of the primary group, they are just subgroups that are clearly part of the mother group. A classic representation of a front group would be a store that is staffed by members of the group (generally unpaid) that "donates" all of it's proceeds to the group but does not claim any association with the parent group. This is generally only a scenario you are going to see with high power, financially heavy hitting cults.
8. Wealth: Amount of money and/or property desired or obtained by group; emphasis on members’ donations; economic lifestyle of leader(s) compared to ordinary members.
Wealth and front groups can go hand in hand, and I would say that both factors would get higher scores of the front groups exist solely for fundraising purposes. A group that would score low on this factor most likely would have a negligible budget, will not emphasize donations, and the leaders will live roughly the same kind of lifestyle as the membership. A group that would score high would most likely either have or want a large amount of liquid assets and/or real property, members will be called on to give large portions of their finances to the group and the leaders will likely have a much higher standard of living.
I personally feel that this is one of the most subtly dangerous factors. It's fairly common for groups to ask for member donations and I think it's very easy to loose track of exactly how far that is getting pushed and in a group with far flung membership it would be very easy for a leader to be living a much higher standard of living on the groups dollar without people becoming overly aware of it for awhile.
9. Sexual Manipulation of members by leader(s) of non-tantric groups: amount of control exercised over sexuality of members in terms of sexual orientation, behavior, and/or choice of partners.
I'm not going to go in to much commentary here, for fear of triggering myself. This was a huge element in my former cult. I think everyone reading this is well aware of the controversy over sexual abuse within religious organizations.
10. Sexual Favoritism: Advancement or preferential treatment dependent upon sexual activity with the leader(s) of non-tantric groups.
Again, I don't have much commentary to offer here.
11. Censorship: Amount of control over members’ access to outside opinions on group, its doctrines or leader(s).
This one is a little hard for groups to exercise unless there is some sort of communal living environment. Short of that, this is typically going to consist of leaders using heavy peer pressure and discrediting outside sources.
12. Isolation: Amount of effort to keep members from communicating with non-members, including family, friends and lovers.
Again, you are mostly going to see this factor when there is some sort of communal living environment or when members are strongly encouraged to only live in certain neighborhoods and communities. Short of that, you might see leaders encouraging members to abandon relationships and threatening them with various consequences should they fail to do so.
13. Dropout Control: Intensity of efforts directed at preventing or returning dropouts.
All I'm going to say on this one is if leadership physically stalks and seriously injures anyone trying to leave the group, you have a serious problem.
14. Violence: Amount of approval when used by or for the group, its doctrines or leader(s).
15. Paranoia: Amount of fear concerning real or imagined enemies; exaggeration of perceived power of opponents; prevalence of conspiracy theories.
Leader think the rest of the world is out to get them with advanced weaponry and hostile magics? You might be looking at a 10.
16. Grimness: Amount of disapproval concerning jokes about the group, its doctrines or its leader(s).
17. Surrender of Will: Amount of emphasis on members not having to be responsible for personal decisions; degree of individual disempowerment created by the group, its doctrines or its leader(s).
I would also like to point out that surrender of will can go the other direction as well. Some dangerous groups hold members responsible for their every action with the expectation that members will entirely subjugate personal will to the will of the "group" (which I'll also point out is generally just the will of the leader in a dangerous group).
18. Hypocrisy: amount of approval for actions which the group officially considers immoral or unethical, when done by or for the group, its doctrines or leader(s); willingness to violate the group’s declared principles for political, psychological, social, economic, military, or other gain.
I'll pull an example from my own history for this one. If the group does something like condemn child rape but also makes sexual intercourse part of a mandatory rite of passage for young teens, you've got a 10. Another example a little less close to home would be the group openly approving doing things that would generally be considered unethical or immoral to fund raise for the group.
So, as you can see, the ABCDEF is a comprehensive framework for evaluating groups of any type. I would like to point out that this can be extended to cover any type of group that is not entirely consensus based, not just religious ones. While the focus of our work here mostly deals with religious cults there are also financial, corporate, lifestyle and myriads of other types of groups that can also be classified as dangerous cults. If you are worried about any group that you are a member of, take a serious look at your group through the framework you've seen here.
Advanced Bonewit's Cult Danger Evaluation Form
Copyright © 1979, 2008 c.e., Isaac Bonewits. This text file may be freely distributed on the Net, provided that no editing is done, the version number is retained, and everything in this notice box is included. If you would like to be on one or more of Isaac Bonewits’ emailing lists, click here to get subscription information.
The ABCDEF asks you to rate groups on a scale from 1 to 10 on 18 distinct factors. A very high score indicates a group that poses a high risk of danger. A very low score is problematic as well, but groups that score low tends to be very scattered and disorganized rather than posing serious risks to the physical and mental health and wellbeing of the membership.
Let's take a look at the factors being evaluated. Italics are my commentary.
1. Internal Control: Amount of internal political and social power exercised by leader(s) over members; lack of clearly defined organizational rights for members.
Internal control is pretty self explainatory. How much control over members do the leader(s) exert over members? Are there clear member's rights? A low score here would indicate a group that does not try to control their members and clearly defines the members rights. A high score would indicate a group that tries to control many aspects of the lives of members and that does not make any attempt to define member's rights.
2. External Control: Amount of external political and social influence desired or obtained; emphasis on directing members’ external political and social behavior.
See above. Pretty much everything that applies there applies here.
3. Wisdom/Knowledge Claimed by leader(s): amount of infallibility declared or implied about decisions or doctrinal/scriptural interpretations; number and degree of unverified and/or unverifiable credentials claimed.
Does the leader of the group have verifiable credentials and admit to their own fallibility? Low score. Does the leader claim credentials they have absolutely no proof for and claim to be speaking the infallible words of the gods? That's a 10.
4. Wisdom/Knowledge Credited to leader(s) by members: amount of trust in decisions or doctrinal/scriptural interpretations made by leader(s); amount of hostility by members towards internal or external critics and/or towards verification efforts.
Is the membership open to hearing criticism of the teachings of the leader? Does the membership trust the leader but at the same time remember at all times that the leader is ultimately human and fallible? Low score. Do members of the group become extremely hostile towards members or outsiders that question the teachings of the leader? Do members trust the leader absolutely? That's a 10.
5. Dogma: Rigidity of reality concepts taught; amount of doctrinal inflexibility or “fundamentalism;” hostility towards relativism and situationalism.
Have flexible doctrine and cosmology and open to the views of others? That's a 1. Rigid, inflexible doctrine and cosmology and a belief that reality is only what the leader says it is with no regards to the views of others? 10.
6. Recruiting: Emphasis put on attracting new members; amount of proselytizing; requirement for all members to bring in new ones.
7. Front Groups: Number of subsidiary groups using different names from that of main group, especially when connections are hidden.
This is a complicated one. As a general rule, almost all groups do not have front groups. Generally if there are any groups outside of the primary group, they are just subgroups that are clearly part of the mother group. A classic representation of a front group would be a store that is staffed by members of the group (generally unpaid) that "donates" all of it's proceeds to the group but does not claim any association with the parent group. This is generally only a scenario you are going to see with high power, financially heavy hitting cults.
8. Wealth: Amount of money and/or property desired or obtained by group; emphasis on members’ donations; economic lifestyle of leader(s) compared to ordinary members.
Wealth and front groups can go hand in hand, and I would say that both factors would get higher scores of the front groups exist solely for fundraising purposes. A group that would score low on this factor most likely would have a negligible budget, will not emphasize donations, and the leaders will live roughly the same kind of lifestyle as the membership. A group that would score high would most likely either have or want a large amount of liquid assets and/or real property, members will be called on to give large portions of their finances to the group and the leaders will likely have a much higher standard of living.
I personally feel that this is one of the most subtly dangerous factors. It's fairly common for groups to ask for member donations and I think it's very easy to loose track of exactly how far that is getting pushed and in a group with far flung membership it would be very easy for a leader to be living a much higher standard of living on the groups dollar without people becoming overly aware of it for awhile.
9. Sexual Manipulation of members by leader(s) of non-tantric groups: amount of control exercised over sexuality of members in terms of sexual orientation, behavior, and/or choice of partners.
I'm not going to go in to much commentary here, for fear of triggering myself. This was a huge element in my former cult. I think everyone reading this is well aware of the controversy over sexual abuse within religious organizations.
10. Sexual Favoritism: Advancement or preferential treatment dependent upon sexual activity with the leader(s) of non-tantric groups.
Again, I don't have much commentary to offer here.
11. Censorship: Amount of control over members’ access to outside opinions on group, its doctrines or leader(s).
This one is a little hard for groups to exercise unless there is some sort of communal living environment. Short of that, this is typically going to consist of leaders using heavy peer pressure and discrediting outside sources.
12. Isolation: Amount of effort to keep members from communicating with non-members, including family, friends and lovers.
Again, you are mostly going to see this factor when there is some sort of communal living environment or when members are strongly encouraged to only live in certain neighborhoods and communities. Short of that, you might see leaders encouraging members to abandon relationships and threatening them with various consequences should they fail to do so.
13. Dropout Control: Intensity of efforts directed at preventing or returning dropouts.
All I'm going to say on this one is if leadership physically stalks and seriously injures anyone trying to leave the group, you have a serious problem.
14. Violence: Amount of approval when used by or for the group, its doctrines or leader(s).
15. Paranoia: Amount of fear concerning real or imagined enemies; exaggeration of perceived power of opponents; prevalence of conspiracy theories.
Leader think the rest of the world is out to get them with advanced weaponry and hostile magics? You might be looking at a 10.
16. Grimness: Amount of disapproval concerning jokes about the group, its doctrines or its leader(s).
17. Surrender of Will: Amount of emphasis on members not having to be responsible for personal decisions; degree of individual disempowerment created by the group, its doctrines or its leader(s).
I would also like to point out that surrender of will can go the other direction as well. Some dangerous groups hold members responsible for their every action with the expectation that members will entirely subjugate personal will to the will of the "group" (which I'll also point out is generally just the will of the leader in a dangerous group).
18. Hypocrisy: amount of approval for actions which the group officially considers immoral or unethical, when done by or for the group, its doctrines or leader(s); willingness to violate the group’s declared principles for political, psychological, social, economic, military, or other gain.
I'll pull an example from my own history for this one. If the group does something like condemn child rape but also makes sexual intercourse part of a mandatory rite of passage for young teens, you've got a 10. Another example a little less close to home would be the group openly approving doing things that would generally be considered unethical or immoral to fund raise for the group.
So, as you can see, the ABCDEF is a comprehensive framework for evaluating groups of any type. I would like to point out that this can be extended to cover any type of group that is not entirely consensus based, not just religious ones. While the focus of our work here mostly deals with religious cults there are also financial, corporate, lifestyle and myriads of other types of groups that can also be classified as dangerous cults. If you are worried about any group that you are a member of, take a serious look at your group through the framework you've seen here.
Advanced Bonewit's Cult Danger Evaluation Form
Copyright © 1979, 2008 c.e., Isaac Bonewits. This text file may be freely distributed on the Net, provided that no editing is done, the version number is retained, and everything in this notice box is included. If you would like to be on one or more of Isaac Bonewits’ emailing lists, click here to get subscription information.
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