Where J has been.

So, I'm back from the Crisis Stabilization Unit (CSU.)

I know, I didn't have a chance to say I was going, and believe me I'm hearing about that now from several people. But I didn't know I was going. I completely fell apart at work, and just couldn't stop crying, completely detached, and actively suicidal. I was, frankly, shattered.

One of my co-workers pushed hard for me to commit to going to the CSU, but I wouldn't commit until I'd spoken to my sister who was waiting for me outside. Unbeknownst to me, she was planning to drive me to the CSU if I'd go. So I went.

Intake went well. I was willing to own up to being severely depressed and actively suicidal. We discussed my medical phobias and my *lack* of treatment goals. Truth be told, I didn't know what I wanted or needed, I just knew that I'd given up and wanted to die, and all that had kept me from doing it so far was that I didn't want to abandon people who were counting on me.

So I was admitted that night. I think I pretty much just sat and thought. I made a list of what I actually cared about. It was 8 items long: Family, Apartment Cleaned, 2 Friends, Work, ADF, Writing, and Guitar. And I hadn't been writing or playing the Guitar in quite a while. And I felt more hopeless, because I couldn't see anything I could drop. 8 items, and I couldn't keep up.

So for a while, I didn't. They started me on medications to control the insomnia and anxiety, and just encouraged me to rest. So I did, just sitting and thinking.

Then I started to meditate: open contemplation, Two Powers, thought-linking, Just listening to myself for once. I had brought some religious literature, and I devoured Real Magic, Neopagan Rites, and A Book of Pagan Prayer in 2 days. They managed to get me out of my room more. I started to feel and look better. I started talking to people.

And they started working on me. Over the next 3 days, we talked about my past and they tried to give me a radically new way to see my situation: I wasn't incapable of handling only 8 things. Trying to handle only 8 things was making me incapable.

I wasn't on that list anywhere, and I wasn't taking care of me. I'd landed in the CSU because I wasn't eating, sleeping, resting, or really listening or caring for myself in any way. And that had to stop.

My discharge plans were kind of sad. "Sleep, eat, shower, clean the apartment, pray/meditate, start spending time on hobbies, and exercise."

So I have been. Tanwyn showed me how to set up Wii Fit, and I've already lost 1.5 pounds. I've just finished off a bowl of ravioli, where an earlier me would have just had a glucose tab. I set up my Netflix account on the Wii, and I've watched 5-6 movies that I'd been putting off for *months,* two of them concerts. I spent 6 hours visiting a friend because I wanted to, and we're well on our way to having a clean apartment again.

And I'm happy. And thankful. And back.