Monday, February 14, 2011

Friday, February 11, 2011

Where J has been.

So, I'm back from the Crisis Stabilization Unit (CSU.)

I know, I didn't have a chance to say I was going, and believe me I'm hearing about that now from several people. But I didn't know I was going. I completely fell apart at work, and just couldn't stop crying, completely detached, and actively suicidal. I was, frankly, shattered.

One of my co-workers pushed hard for me to commit to going to the CSU, but I wouldn't commit until I'd spoken to my sister who was waiting for me outside. Unbeknownst to me, she was planning to drive me to the CSU if I'd go. So I went.

Intake went well. I was willing to own up to being severely depressed and actively suicidal. We discussed my medical phobias and my *lack* of treatment goals. Truth be told, I didn't know what I wanted or needed, I just knew that I'd given up and wanted to die, and all that had kept me from doing it so far was that I didn't want to abandon people who were counting on me.

So I was admitted that night. I think I pretty much just sat and thought. I made a list of what I actually cared about. It was 8 items long: Family, Apartment Cleaned, 2 Friends, Work, ADF, Writing, and Guitar. And I hadn't been writing or playing the Guitar in quite a while. And I felt more hopeless, because I couldn't see anything I could drop. 8 items, and I couldn't keep up.

So for a while, I didn't. They started me on medications to control the insomnia and anxiety, and just encouraged me to rest. So I did, just sitting and thinking.

Then I started to meditate: open contemplation, Two Powers, thought-linking, Just listening to myself for once. I had brought some religious literature, and I devoured Real MagicNeopagan Rites, and A Book of Pagan Prayer in 2 days. They managed to get me out of my room more. I started to feel and look better. I started talking to people.

And they started working on me. Over the next 3 days, we talked about my past and they tried to give me a radically new way to see my situation: I wasn't incapable of handling only 8 things. Trying to handle only 8 things was making me incapable.

I wasn't on that list anywhere, and I wasn't taking care of me. I'd landed in the CSU because I wasn't eating, sleeping, resting, or really listening or caring for myself in any way. And that had to stop.

My discharge plans were kind of sad. "Sleep, eat, shower, clean the apartment, pray/meditate, start spending time on hobbies, and exercise."

So I have been. Tanwyn showed me how to set up Wii Fit, and I've already lost 1.5 pounds. I've just finished off a bowl of ravioli, where an earlier me would have just had a glucose tab. I set up my Netflix account on the Wii, and I've watched 5-6 movies that I'd been putting off for *months,* two of them concerts. I spent 6 hours visiting a friend because I wanted to, and we're well on our way to having a clean apartment again.

And I'm happy. And thankful. And back.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

A PTSDruid's Prayer for Peace

Flame, kindled at sacred Kildare,
Kindled now upon my hearth.
Flame on the hearth, illuminate my way.
Driving all shadows from my path.

From threshold to hearth,
To the north and to the south,
To the east and to the west,
Lighting all corners of my home.

Where your light spreads,
May I know peace and warmth.
Driving out all doubt and fear,
Melting away stress and pain.

Brighid, Lady of the Flame,
Whose fires burn on Hearth,
Whose fires burn in the Head,
Whose fires burn in the Forge.

May your fire brightly burn,
Fire kindled in the head,
Illuminating all corners of my mind,
Driving out shadows of pain and fear.

Brighid, Matron, Healer.
May your fires burn ever brightly.
Wrap me in your peace and healing.
Hear this Druid's prayer.